My next dog will be little

I came home from work and Zachary had gotten "sick", and I don't mean vomiting. When you have a 100+ lbs dog with an irritable bowel, it's not an inconvenience. It's a major event.
I walk through the door and the smell hits me like a punch to the nose. The first thing I see is Zachary, sitting sheepishly in the corner and wagging just the tip of his tail, like he wants to pretend everything's fine without drawing any attention to himself. I can't get mad at him because I know that it KILLS him to go in the house. He would never do it unless he absolutely had to. The other reason is that, since puppyhood, he has somehow figured out that, if ya gotta go, it's best to go in the kitchen. Thank God. If this happened on my carpet, I'd just burn down the house and collect the insurance money.
By now, I've been driven back outside and I'm slowly desensitizing my sense of smell. I hear medieval tanners made use of this technique. I work my way back into the house, turning on all the ceiling fans, opening all the windows and doors. I even turned on the vent fan over the stove. The other little quirk that my dog has, is that he feels the need to keep moving during the big event. I don't know if he's ashamed, if the smell gets to him too; maybe he's just grossed out and wants to get away. Who knows? The result is that, instead of having one, big pile to clean up, he's left some sort of crop circle pattern all over the kitchen.
The clean up is a complex problem involving wet mopping bleach water all over, then following it with a dry mopping. The whole time, Zachary lays on the floor at the entrance to the kitchen, trying to look cute and repentant.
Maybe a jack russell, or even better, a guinea pig.

Update:
The big fuzzball did it again. He came to the edge of the bed and made squeeky noises at SOME time this morning. Usually, this will wake me up, but he's been kind of a whiner lately and I haven't been getting enough sleep, so I grumbled "Shut up, Zachary" and fell back asleep. The smell woke me up at 5:30. He seems to be getting a little better, but I can't wait to get home tonight.