Monosyllabic Pedantry

Sunday, December 30, 2007

They're Creepy and They're Kooky, Mysterious and Spooky

We're back home! Thank Jeebus. I'll try and live-blog as best as I can get the Wayback machine working.

Friday: I arrive in record time: 13.5 hours! I actually got into town at a decent hour. I'm staying at MaExador's house. Some background: MaExador a.k.a WidowExador a.k.a TheCrazyCatLady, lives with five cats, and chainsmokes while watching Fox News all day. Like all crazycatpeople, she's convinced that her cats' lives are filled with drama and intrigue. It's like Meerkat Manor.


For what she spends on the cats, she could probably get a new car, or at least turn the heat up.






One of the cats has dermatitus, and another one has an upper respiratory problem. (I'm sure there's no connection between this and the smoking.) That's this one:


He has to stick his tongue out all the time. He wheezes constantly, and sneezes cat snot on everything.





A couple of years ago, the whole area was flooded by a 500 year flood. MaExador's basement was flooded. She had a pump, but then her electricity cut out, as the local substation went under water. That killed the pump and her basement started flooding. Since then, she has had an irrational fear of disasters. Last Xmas, all she wanted was emergency lanterns.

The best part is that, right after the flood, she went out and bought a generator.
She "converted" the generator into an end table in the TV room.
The icing on this cake is that she's never used it, she's never put gas or oil in it, she doesn't know that it's a 2-cycle, so she will need to mix the gas and oil. But it makes her feel safer.



MaExador is able to survive on some investments, supplemented with working about 4 hours a week. She's able to do this by being the CHEAPEST PERSON IN THE WORLD.



She is too cheap to get a newspaper subscription, but her neighbors periodically drop off the newspaper.





The chain smoking has infused the house with the stench of nicotine. It's actually difficult to bear. When we get the chance, we periodically open the doors to air it out. Getting caught means getting lectured on all the money we're wasting by 'heating the neighborhood'.
All of this brings me to my home-away-from-home: The VI.
My neighborhood bar is a 200 yard stagger from MaExador's house. It typically opens at 7AM. I've heard that the regulars have keys, and they start up the coffee machines before the actual employees arrive, but I can't verify that. That's the great thing about upstate NY; it's wired for alcoholism. There's none of this Baptist-pansy-can't-put-a-bar-in-a-neighborhood crap that you find in the south. There's also no rules about having to serve food. They serve hard drinks to men who want to get drunk fast.

On Saturday, MaExador and I went to do ALL of my Christmas shopping. We braved Walmart and the mall. It's always a challenge to shop with her because she's the CHEAPEST PERSON IN THE WORLD. Every time I found something to get for someone, she lectured me on how $15 was too much to spend. She wanted me to get my sister a $3 kitchen strainer. "Well, that's what she needs."
We were just settling in for the night, having a discussion, when her friend, Wanda, called. Wanda was convinced that I didn't really exist, so we went to a local bar to meet her.
MaExador doesn't drink, so it didn't take long for all of to get our drink on. I ended up spilling a beer on some strange woman. When I apologized and asked what I could do for her, she responded, "You could get me a towel!"
Sunday morning, MaExador was crawling around the house, bemoaning the fact that she never drinks.
I did a little more Christmas shopping after my sister and her kids stopped by for a while.

My in laws celebrate Christmas on the 24th. This is because my father inlaw always worked on Christmas day to get the extra holiday pay. They're largely Czech-polish-irish. I blame the eastern European blood for the way they decorate for the holidays:




Yes, that's a full-sized slot machine in the dining room.








Yes, my father in law got his wife a frying pan for Christmas.








Mrs Schwartz grew up in a house that is this close to the train tracks. The whole house rattles when the trains go by.






Other idiosyncrasies include the following:



They've left this label on this lampshade for at least 5 years. It's in the middle of the living room, by the front door.







They got a wood burning stove last year. Just ask; they'll tell you all about it. It allows them to keep the living room at 105 degrees.
So they naturally store the year's worth of hardwood pellets by the front door.




The only bathroom has an accordion door. They have mercifully added a latch to it in recent years, but prior to that, the door always hung open just a little. It's a testament to our love, that I didn't flee like a madman after seeing this when we were dating.





The inlaws don't drink, but they always put out a bottle for special occasions. Enbiggen this to see that they don't consider too many occasions special enough to open the bottle. I think either Jesus, or at least the Pope, would have to come for Christmas to warrant opening this.






At least Zachary had fun making snow dog angels.

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6 Comments:

  • The nut doesn't fall far from the tree.

    By Blogger Sarcastro, at 9:33 AM  

  • Sweet mother of God! I am so glad you survived the holidays... However, you may have to go on the patch to get rid of the need for nicotine!!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:41 PM  

  • Thanks! Now I can't get that stupid song out of my mind.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:40 AM  

  • I ran into one of my downstairs neighbors in the driveway a couple of weekends ago. He was headed to the VI for a shot. At nine o'clock in the morning.

    By Blogger Rockycat, at 8:37 AM  

  • You mom's cat(the one pictured) could probably benefit from aminophylline(broncho-dilator) and a lysine supplement for his breathing. White cats are prone to asthma. Both are really cheap and available online.

    A visit to your parents' house always makes you appreciate your own doesn't it? I luxurated on our mattress when we got home, especially compared to what we had to sleep on.
    saraclark

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:13 PM  

  • after all these years of hearing the bathroom door stories, I finally have the real picture in my head - thank you. marla

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:02 PM  

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