Monosyllabic Pedantry

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The True Story of Thanksgiving

[The True Story of Thanksgiving)

There has been plenty written about the first Thanksgiving. Seriously, read
a book once in a while and you'll see. It was great because there had been
a good harvest. The white man taught the Indians how to turn corn into
whiskey, and they taught the white man how to smoke dope and turn birch tree
bark into primitive LSD. But it was always meant to be a one time thing.

But the Indians had other ideas. They started to show up every year. While
initially finding the Indians amusing with their clown make-up, flamboyant
headbands, and leather diapers, the white man now realized they were just a
bunch of dirty hippies, sitting around looking for a handout.

Even worse, while the white man just wanted to sit around and watch football
on Thanksgiving; the Indians all wanted to play lacrosse. The Pilgrims knew
lacrosse was a godless, heathen activity and they thought it looked really

True, the white men liked nailing the Indian princesses. They were really
dirty, and you could generally have your choice for just a few beads or some
shiny buttons. And even when you convert that to today's prices; banging a
chick for 50 buttons is still a pretty good deal.

But the Pilgrims had plenty of farm animals to bugger and they liked to
drill holes in pumpkins when they needed immediate sexual gratification.
When their wives found the pumpkins with the holes drilled in them they told
them they were 'jack-o-lanterns' and created a whole phony 'Halloween'
tradition to explain them away. So, the Pilgrims decided to try and make a
clean break with the natives.

They hatched a plan. They would cook up all of the worst shit and feed it
to the Indians. Cook up turkey, which they knew would be dry. Then stuff
it with old, stale bread. Make a sauce out of cranberries which are the
nastiest, sourest fruit. And they would take all of the jack-o-lanterns
(yes, those jack-o-lanterns) that had been lying around in the sun for a
month and make them into pies.

Needless to say it didn't go well. Everyone was pissed and the Indians
sulked around afterwards. Even though they had enjoyed the pumpkin pie,
they didn't even stay to try and find the afikomen.

"If it's so much trouble to cook dinner for us," the Indians said
year, why not just make reservations some place?"

Well, the white men loved the idea of making reservations for the Indians.
It took a couple hundred years for the white man to get around to making all
of them, but soon they stretched across the country and they seemed to work
like a charm. Even the Indians admit dealing blackjack beats dancing to try
and make rain. Plus, they're all pretty numb from the boozing.

I can't believe Indian's still take part in Thanksgiving Day parades, and in
full traditional outfits no less. It always seems to me like Jews taking
part in a celebration of Hitler's birthday and dressing up in concentration
camp outfits.

Now, Americans love Thanksgiving, because now, we don't have to invite
Indians over our houses. Plus, it's another reason to stuff our rich, fat,
American faces. It's not just another excuse to over eat, it's almost
mandatory. If you don't eat until you're bursting on Thanksgiving, you
might as well wipe your ass with the American flag and then strangle your
mother with it while you sodomize her. And I know a lot of you are
thinking, "wipe your ass with the American flag and sodomize your mother?
Isn't that how they celebrate Ramadan?" All I can say to that is I'm not
sure. In my house all we celebrate is something I like to call, 'Hot Sexual


  • I am dying of laugher here! May I please post this & link to this post?? Giving you full credit, of course?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:14 PM  

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