Monosyllabic Pedantry

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Humbug updated

Let's crank up the Wayback machine and set it for Thursday, December 18th, 2008.

Mrs Schwartz has left town. It's just me and the girls. In my younger days, this might mean crazy nights out on the town. Now, it means quiet nights of watching the movies I want to watch, without babbling commentary. She had left her jeep at the airport, so I had to go and get it. My friend Mike and I headed to Atlanta.
We stopped at a gun shop in Atlanta. I had decided that every woman on my list is getting a Kimber LifeAct. They can't buy it in NY, but it's legal to own. Since they're all a bunch of wusses when it comes to self defense, I figured it is the perfect gift.
While there, we were offered a selection of switch blade and stiletto knives. We asked if they were illegal and they told us that they are legal. Go figure.

What the hell did I do on Friday and Saturday? I don't know. There was a lot of cleaning, a lot of laundry. I got the mail stopped and did some Xmas shopping.

6AM Sunday morning, we are on the road.

The trip is fairly uneventful, except that the girls refused to go to the bathroom, so I have to practically walk them across Virginia. We get into town about 10pm.

Good God!, it's fucking cold!

We arrive in NY and it's 22 degrees out. Sweet Jesus Tap Dancing Christ, it's cold out. What the fuck was I thinking coming here. It was 60 degrees in GA when I left.

We get to Ma Exador's and I'm hoping to just go to sleep. Janet is acting like a freak. The six cats are just too much for her to go to bed. She keeps sneaking out to mess with them, and I'm panicked that she will poop in the house. I have to get her cage off of the roof of the Jeep. It's bars are encased in ice, as it rode up on the roof of the jeep. Since Ma Exador doesn't own a hair dryer, I use an iron to melt the bars free. We get to bed about 1 AM.

Monday, December 22nd:
Ma Exador and I head up into the mountains, to my sister's house, with Janet and Susan. This is a trial run to see if the girls can get along with her dogs; a rottweiler and an irish setter. It doesn't go well. Susan especially, is terrified of the bigger dogs and will not stop barking at them. My sister is also making extra money babysitting neighbors' kids, so there are 4 boys, riding bikes around the island in the kitchen.

Tuesday, December 23rd:
I finally get to see my niece, Harper Lee. I've been fore-warned by Ma Exador that Harper has entered her teen years, and is now brooding, sullen and pessimistic. This is a shock to me since she was the greatest kid in the world last year. Upon seeing her, I immediately see that she is not the bubbling kid I saw last year. She has matured. She's still great; only now she's a great young adult. I give her our Xmas gift today. We want to make sure she gets it, and it pisses off my sister, so double win.

Wednesday, December 24th:
The In-laws' version of Xmas. It's more of the same.

The Canadian Whiskey bottle made a comeback. Last year, the three guys who married into this clan opened it and we each had a shot, then I talked with my spirit guide.

The lamp by the front door still has the label on it, 12 years running



Thursday, December 25th:
Christmas Day. We trade gifts at Ma Exador's house, then head up to my sister's house in Afton. Actually, Afton is the closest trading post. Her house is in the mountains around Afton. There is no cable and no internet access. They heat their home with a wood-burning furnace. (God, I wish I remembered to get a picture of that) Last year, we didn't have that furnace, and there was concern over whether we'd have enough propane to cook the meal and heat the house.
In hindsight, this is the beginning of the end. We usually end the holiday with a visit to my mom's side of the family, which I greatly enjoy. Mrs S was tired and I was having a good time talking with my sister, so we just stayed there and talked until the wee hours. We went straight home.

Friday, December 26th:
We go out to lunch with Harper, and do a little shopping. The entire time, she's a delight to be around.
Mrs Schwartz and I go out for lunch, then I leave her at the VI to meet an old high school friend while I run some errands with the girls and take them for a walk.
After the errands, the girls and I are napping at Ma Exador's. She's asleep too.
Mrs Schwartz calls for a ride home. Remember that the VI is about 300 yards away. I left the dogs while I drive there and back.

Here's where things get bizarro.

We enter the house and Ma Exador is screaming like a mad woman. Janet is in the back yard. Apparently she did something bad while Ma Exador was trying to feed her cats. Ma Exador somehow hurt her finger.

She completely snapped. I won't get into everything she said, but it was bad. She was sick of me, sick of Mrs Schwartz, the dogs, her grandchildren, everybody.

Mrs Schwartz took the dogs out to the Jeep while I went upstairs to pack. We packed up everything. After we'd driven about a mile, we started thinking about where we were going to stay. We suddenly remembered that Mrs Schwartz' aunt lived nearby and she was the only other sane person in her family.
We were there minutes later.

We stayed there a while while we strategized. It's not easy finding a place to stay when you have two Beagles with you. I was ready to begin the drive back to Georgia. Mrs S wanted to get her new phone, which she had left at my sister's.

We started the drive to Afton. By this time, it's getting late. We were almost there, when we decided we'd just sleep in the Jeep and then go to my sister's first thing in the morning.

We pull off the interstate and I park behind a mobile home show lot.

With all the blankets and our body heat, we are plenty warm enough; however, I got absolutely no sleep. I was not meant to fit comfortably in the back of our Jeep.

Mrs Schwartz and the dogs SNORED like CHAINSAWS all night.

Saturday, December 27th:

About 7AM, I started getting things moving for the last leg to my sister's. The roads above Afton are a sheer sheet of ice. The sand truck takes its time getting that far out. As we get to about 200 yards from her house and the Jeep is going no farther. We're spinning tires and drifting sideways. I park in the middle of the road, and we hike it in. Slowly. We can barely walk on this ice. Her driveway is 100 yards long, also a sheet of ice.

We get to within 20 ft of the house, when I hear behind me, THUNK. I turn around to see Mrs Schwartz on her back. She's hit her head so hard on the ice that we're pretty sure she has a concussion.
We get her phone and head to her sister's place. We need to wash and dry pretty much everything since it all get wet the night before.

We get the Jeep packed for the trip. My aunt has invited us to spend the night at her place. She doesn't mind the dogs and it's actually on the way home.
We had a wonderful night there, and I got the first good night's sleep in a week.

Sunday, December 28th:
We're on the road by 6:30. We get in at 10pm. The first thing we notice is an unusual smell. Going into the kitchen, we see this:

It turns out that we had a leak from the upstairs plumbing, which caused a large section of the kitchen ceiling to get waterlogged and fell to the floor. The floor of the kitchen had a puddle covering about half of it.
We did a quick cleanup and went to bed.

Monday, December 29th:
Recovery. I call a few plumbers and get quotes.

Tuesday, December 30th:
We have three plumbers working for the better part of the day. $560 later, we're back up and running.

Now I'm getting quotes for a drywall guy.

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  • I forget. Why do you go to Bingo for Xmas, other than the mining for comedy material reason?

    By Blogger Sarcastro, at 4:05 AM  

  • If it makes you feel better, my blog is the number one hit for "Entire Family Delusional."

    Seriously, sounds crappy. Sorry that what could have been a good getaway turned hellish.

    By Blogger Bridgett, at 4:24 AM  

  • You never get a picture of the christmas tree at my folks house. That seems strange to me somehow.

    And I KNOW you left out a few the bathroom?

    The misses.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:10 AM  

  • You've struck gold, Sarcastro. Look for me in Cancun next Xmas.

    By Blogger Exador, at 1:27 PM  

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