Monosyllabic Pedantry

Monday, April 10, 2006

Captain Exador

I bought a canoe last weekend. We took it out onto the Chatahoochee River on Saturday and Sunday. Saturday, Mrs Schwartz and I just put in near the house and paddled upstream for about an hour and floated back down. Sunday, we went to the Buford Dam, which makes Lake Lanier. We decided to bring Zachary, since he doesn't get out much anymore. He's never been in a canoe, and he generally doesn't like new situations. Hell, whenever some loser leaves a bag of trash on our road within sight of the yard, Zachary will bark at it because his little world has changed. We gave him 1/4 of a Xanax to keep him calm. We should have given him a full one, since the 1/4 didn't have much effect on him.
So, since there's no way to get him to climb in the canoe, I picked him up and put him in it. I had to hold him in place for the first few minutes, because he kept looking like he was ready to freak out. Shortly after we were underway, he jumped for freedom, naturally at the worst possible place. The water was deep. The bank was steep, all mud. I brought the canoe to the shore. Standing one foot off shore, I was waist deep in water. I coaxed him over to me and none-too-gently scooped him up and chucked him in.
After that, he was pretty good. He kept nearly tipping us, as he went from one side to the other, but I eventually got skilled at compensating for him.
The only real boondoggle came when we were about halfway through the trip. We had shot a few small rapids and we saw some coming up. I tried to judge the best place to go through. It was too late when we saw that we were about to go over a floodwall. The canoe got stuck going over it. I jumped out to try to push us over. The canoe got turned sideways and tipped about 45 degrees. Zachary jumped out and Mrs Schwartz got dumped backwards, into the water. It was only 2 feet deep, so no biggy. The hardest part was tricking Zachary to come close enough for me to grab him and get him back in. He knew the deal at that point, and was scared from getting pitched out. Shortly after that, he was so tired, he just sat and looked around.
We spent about 5 hours on the river, which was too long for all of us. Mrs Schwartz had the sense to pack sunscreen, which I put on my arms, but forgot to put on my legs or feet. My knees are fried to the bone. I have a sandal pattern burned onto my feet.

We all collapsed when we got home. At the end of the night, I went to take Zachary out once more before bed. He was lying on the couch. I leaned over the couch. "Zachary! Come on buddy, time to go out." Nothing. He just laid there, looking at me sideways. "Come on, I know you're tired." Nothing. I had to shake him and nudge him. He looked pissed.

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  • I could have sworn that I advised against taking Zachary on the maiden voyage of the S.S. Minnow. How eager are you to get rid of your only remaing pup?

    Never ask me anything ever again.

    By Anonymous Sarcastro, at 1:40 PM  

  • My, aren't you touchy. Just because I let you in the council, that doesn't mean you own the talking stick.

    I don't regret taking the fuzzball. He needs to get out a little in the autumn of his life. He hasn't traveled the world. I don't want him going through some kind of crisis where he gets a convertible and brings home way-too-young bitches.

    By Blogger Exador, at 6:50 PM  

  • Take Zachary to a party with the Duke lacrosse team. That should pack in enough fun for a lifetime.

    By Anonymous Sarcastro, at 5:17 AM  

  • Take Zachary to a party with the Duke lacrosse team. That should pack in enough fun for a lifetime.

    By Anonymous Sarcastro, at 5:18 AM  

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